| What I learned from the mental health system |
[Sep. 24th, 2011|12:58 pm] |
If you pretend you are OK, any doctor, nurse, coworker, family member etc, etc, will be too stupid to tell the difference
If you tell the world I am not OK, this is fucked up, please help! That is bad. It doesn't matter if it's true~ it doesn't exactly help the big machine operate smoothly so it is met with punishment. This means not only will you be put in the hospital against your will, they will probably sedate you and lock you up in something that looks like a prison cell. That's their way of saying "do this again and this will happen to you" |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2011|12:50 pm] |
So i got involuntarily certified in the mental health system.
this was because i was freaking out, and it was getting worse day by day.
My parents took me to a hospital emergency room. When you are sitting in hospital emergency with nothing physically wrong with you, you get overwhelmed with the idea that this isn't the right place to be.
This is just the way my brain works but for some reason I read into things.. like omens. I saw a pamphlet sitting there in the waiting area that said "it's your hospital... run for it" (some sort of charity run event). So I tried to take off. I went for a walk around the block, and got in the car with my dad telling him there's no way I'm going to let myself get admitted to a hospital.
Unfortunately my mom and gone and alerted the police. So I don't think I really had a choice at the point. I was now offically an involuntary patient. The first thing they did was gave me sedatives and locked me up in the emergency holding room that resembles a solitary confinement prison cell. I played drums on the metal toilet, i beatboxed, I danced by myself. They had me in there for three days... basically the total of the whole weekend. Thanks to the sedatives it only felt like two days.
They dressed me in this hospital gown thing.. with no pyjama pants. I was really cold. After being released into the ward it took me a while to realize that there where pants available to me, so instead to keep warm I walked around the whole time draped in a blanket like I was Tetsuo from Akira.. because that is sort of how I felt (I even got put in a CAT scan machine!). By the time I was out of the holding cell I probably looked a lot more crazy then i did going in.
At first they didn't let me have my cigarettes. So for three days I was basically going crazy because of cigarette withdrawal. They gave me a nicotine inhaler, but I realize that nicotine isn't really the thing that I am addicted to. This or possibly the meds they where giving me, made me very antsy, it was hard for me to sit still in my chair. Once I got my smoking privileges back, and was able to wear my own clothes I was able to relax alot more. I even made some friends in there! For a while I was really worried because I was stuck in the hospital when I was supposed to go back to work at my old job starting in september.. but my mom sent a doctors note to my work and they said it would be ok. There is a friendly girl at work and I feel like she wants to be better friends with me or at least be more open and social but it's not that i feel uncomfortable talking to her about my private life... I actually feel like I can't talk about it at all. I can say a little bit about my trip in Australia because she's been there too.. and talk about our work environment but as far as WHO ARE YOU REALLY... WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE NOT WORKING i can not talk about any of this stuff at all because it is so fucked up and basically it would make me sound crazy. So for 40 hours of the week I just go in and do my repetitious boring work, and try to make minimal social contact with people because I can't talk about myself. I go back home, smoke a joint and fall asleep. I've been sleeping in late so it feels like rather than living in strathcona, a neighbourhood full of people I'd probably really like.. I am living at work, and sleeping in a room in strathcona. I don't have a washing machine that works where I live and instead of going to a laundry mat like a normal person for some reason I've been coming home on the weekends to do laundry at my parents place. I am so scared of going out and socializing that I basically just stay at my parents place for the whole weekend and don't go out at all. I feel really terrible about this. Sometimes I might miss a gig of one of my favourite bands but I feel like.. I would rather be playing music that seeing people play it anyways. I am promising myself that next weekend I will go out and see daega sound. I can only really muster going out and being social on the weekend about once a month.
Last time I went out to a friends party around the corner. I really like going to house parties and I like the girl who hosted it but I still feel like a fish out of water trying to be social in vancouver. Can you imagine how bad it would be at a house party in Ladner if it feels a little bit awkward at a house party in vancouver? When you are on your own, and you approach people, people are almost afraid to talk to you. Oh no, here comes the awkward guy who has no friends at the party. I hope he isn't going to try to make friends with us.
It is not my custom to go where I am not wanted. All i want to do is be by myself and smoke weed. I don't care about how badly they pay me at work, i just do it so i can get through the week and not think about how terrible my life is. I have been bottling this up for a long time because I don't feel like I have the right to bitch whine and complain about my life, probably because that is all my sister does. And ironically, since this whole problem is about hearing voices... if i bitch whine and complain to much, the voices stop me. The voices won't put up with my bullshit. They put me in line and give me guidance, but if i don't smoke weed, they go away. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2011|12:02 pm] |
I am officially out of juice.
At my EPI (early psychosis intervention) meeting I complained that it seems like the mental health situation is only concerned with treating the effects of a problem, not the cause. They do not care if you are happy and content with life they only want to stop you from disconnecting with reality or acting out in self destructive ways.
I told them that I don't think it would have ever happened if I wasn't so isolated
they said that when people are experiencing the onset of a psychotic episode, people isolate themselves. I can't argue with that they say, it's the facts.
Well if there is anyone reading this, I DON'T WANT TO ISOLATE MYSELF
I DON'T WANT TO BE ISOLATED
I HAVE JUST RUN OUT OF GAS
No one seems to appreciate that going out on your own and trying to socialize and make friends from scratch, while not impossible, is a fucking drag, and a very tiring process. I am so tired of going out and trying to make these series of 5, 10 or 15 minute friendships.... I WANT REAL SOLID FRIENDS. The only person I see on a regular basis only sees me because Im the only person who plays music with him. He doesn't want to do anything else than get together and play music for half an hour. I am not really friends with any of his friends. I ask people if there is anything going on and there is soo much going on in this city that I would probably enjoy...
But last time I moved out from my parents place I tried going out on my own.. going to parties on my own and trying to talk to random people. It's easier when you are in a foreign place. I would probably keep trying it but I am too experienced. I know it doesn't work, if it did, it would have worked by now.
I am really worried because one of the only friends I have now that I look forward to seeing is a suicidal girl I met in the hospital. I am worried that I am too depressed to hang out with her now that I've been out and on my own for a couple weeks. In the hospital it made me really happy to hang out with her.. that at the very least in this fucked up situation I could get someone who was feeling hopeless, depressed and suicidal to laugh and smile.. that was great.. But now that I'm out I don't have anything to offer her. I was so happy in the hospital in a weird way because finally I had friends! Finally I had a group of peers who weren't judgemental about my problems. Outside, what do I have? Going back to my old job that is paying me less than they did before, with no feeling that I am challenging myself or progressing.. or even a sense that there is a ladder in this company to climb. working full time, during the evenings, to come home to sleep. The weekend rolls around and all I want to do is lay in my bed. I don't want to go out, I don't even want to go shop for groceries so that I can cook healthy meals. All I do is sleep and work, with this diminishing hope that eventually my life will change.
I thought that maybe my mind just worked in a strange way that people don't understand, but they just tell me that I am sick and that I need medication to keep me normal. I don't tell them that I've been smoking weed everynight and that the weed can bring back the voices regardless of the medication. I did tell them that I went off the medication last weekend. The night after the meeting I decided to skip it again, and then the day after. Apparently it takes a good week to work this stuff out of my system. I can't really talk to them about smoking weed, because if I tell them I can start hearing voices again if I smoke it it's obvious that I shouldn't be smoking it. But if I just like to trip out in my bedroom with my own thoughts then who am I harming besides myself? I can still go to work 5 days a week and hold down my job. My life is so depressing at the very least let me have my weed.
The worst part is I don't even want to go out and talk to people because the most important things that are going on in my life I can't actually talk about. So I'll wait for my suicidal friend to hang out with me, at least I can tell her whats on my mind. I am not suicidal, I have just lost hope. And really that is a part of enlightenment, complete disillusionment with the world. I posted my phone number on facebook, what a joke. I know no-one is going to call it, So I am not going to sit and stare at my phone waiting for someone to call. Because I am disillusioned, i know the truth.
And really if i fuck myself up by continuing to do whatever it is I do.. I mean whats the worse that could happen, I lose my shitty job and get put on wellfare by the government? That doesn't sound so bad? I get put in the hospital again? Well I've already done that so I figure it won't be as bad the second time around.. besides I am bound to make more friends if i get put in the hospital again.
Maybe I'd be suicidal if I didn't believe in reincarnation. I don't believe that there is a way out of this life... I believe that I where to die, I would just be faced with having to make friends in preschool all overagain, minus the amazing insights I gained in this lifetime. And making friends in preschool wasn't even easy for me. So why start this whole painful process all over again? In this lifetime I have had glimpses of sheer bliss, and I know it's out there, that it exists, and is waiting for me. But I am at the point where I have nothing left to give and nothing left to ask for. I am running on empty. |
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| anonymous people, paraphrased |
[Aug. 10th, 2011|09:29 pm] |
"when you reach a point of epiphany or realization, you can suddenly let it go. Many times I feel as though I've figured something out that is really important, only to find that a few minutes later I couldn't recall what that key idea was. I've come to realize that the information isn't forgotten, in fact it's as if it was integrated into my core being. Sometimes this happens automatically, but you can also do it consciously. When you realize something, or make an observation, you don't have to obsess on it and roll the idea around in your head, you can observe and let go."
...
"At this point I've pretty much let go of the idea of happiness. To me what's important is work. Not to say that I don't find Joy in the things around me. The point is I'm not trying to find happiness, I'm trying to work in the most effective way possible"
...
"before I found Jesus and joined the church I used to worship other gods. I went through a phase of worshiping Norse mythology, praying to Oden to give me strength to overcome the hardships and struggles in my life. Before that I was even inventing my own gods. The god I invented was Rom, the god of the mechanical, the computer, the engine. I would pray to Rom if I was trying to get my car to start, or if I was trying to fix a problem on my computer." |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2011|03:20 pm] |
love as war
love as surrender
love as a trapeze act
love with a best before date
love as compromise
love without compromise
love as a suicide pact
love as a promise
love through betrayal
love as discovery
love as education
love as repayment
love as a launch pad
love as an ending
love as a limited contract
love as static electricity
love as stalemate
love as a limited contract
love as a threat
love as possibility
love as a prison
love as a limitation
love without limitations
love as erosion
love as a sudden flash
love in the aftermath
love in solitude
love of everything all at once
love in hormones
love in abstraction
love as a pause at the side of the road
love free from space and time
love free from individuality
love in implausibility
love in the astral plane
love as treasure accumulating
love in momentum
love as reprogramming
love as suspension of judgment
love as a process
love without definition
love without purpose
love without promise
love without intention |
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| HEAT |
[Feb. 4th, 2011|02:10 pm] |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2011|04:52 pm] |
all shower doors in brunswick are broken
girls don't want to hear about your girl problems
don't look a gift horse in the mouth
the path to happiness is easier discovered by those not looking for it.
so give up.
be patient.
each day will provide you at the very least with one thing to smile about.
try to hold on to that.
the world doesn't owe you anything, so be grateful for everything you get.
realize that there can be more fortune in solitude than partnership.
give up the war, at least for today. don't worry, it will be waiting for you tomorrow. |
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| On Individuality |
[Jan. 18th, 2011|10:46 pm] |
I used to put a lot of weight on individuality, perhaps I still do. I often find myself caught in a misfit complex, feeling like an outsider, alienated, with the differences separating and defining myself against other people seeming more apparent than common bonds. At the same time valuing others for their individuality and the things that set them apart or made them "special" compared to other people.
Too often we enter a dangerous pitfall of becoming too wrapped up in our own ego. There are certain people who seem to be just waiting for their turn to talk. How often does it feel like you are simply listening to what someone is saying so you can relate it to something in your life, so you can retell a fond tale or try to broadcast your opinions to the planet? How often do you listen to a person and ask questions to fully understand the experience they are trying to relate?
I believe that one of the keys to enlightenment is found through ego-sublimation. Of course it is not easy, as we all have lungs, livers, limbs etc. we all have egos as well, which have a history of causing problems for some people. You can't deny individuality, but if you focus too heavily on it you cannot see the forest for the trees.
Life is full of contradictions. Everything is separate and everything is the same. It is your choice how you want to look at things. It is your choice to see an individual finger on it's own or view it as simply a hand. In Neighbourhoods where people do not know their neighbours an atmosphere of isolation rules over the dreary day to day mundanity of peoples lives. People become afraid and lose trust in those around them.
How often have you felt alone in a crowd of people? Is this not a contradiction?
I feel blessed to have come across the people I have met in my life. At times I feel like I am magnetized towards extraordinary individuals. Not to say that there are a lot of people that I can't be bothered with. As a human unfortunately i have limited attention and limited enthusiasm, but what else is personal growth but an active challenging of your limits?
I left Canada to spend a year living in Australia. I found myself constantly bouncing around from different circles of people. In each group a different dynamic and a different view of the world. Before I left I was introduced to the concept of detatchment as a path to happiness. Detatchment as well as ego-sublimation are not easy things to reach. But just as self centeredness is a weak trait that human society needs to evolve away from, so is the desire for ownership and control. clingyness.
Sometimes I get the sensation that there is a continuing conversation in life, you end up picking up where you left off, sometimes with the same person, sometimes it's someone else. If you don't believe that people are able to have moments in which they speak with god, have you considered that people are constantly talking with god, even when you are asking for a pack of rolling papers at the milk bar. Every moment is holy, and god exists in everyone and everything. I don't believe in the devil. As Tom Waits said "There ain't no devil, only god when he's drunk"
Everything you admire in anyone you see exists in potential within yourself, as well as everything you detest and abhor. Our individuality grows from what we choose to supress or embrace. If you can realize the potential sameness of everything, you can learn empathy for the world around you.
Everyone is a different window into the world, and to a further extent, into god, if you believe that god is the world and that we are part of the world to an equal extent as the water is the world, as fish are the world, as trees and dirt and rocks and air and toxic radioactive chemicals are the world. This is unity, oneness, the flipside of the coin to individuality.
Some people provide a more beautiful view into the world than others. Many people have a view of the world that is terribly miserable. Thankfully we live in a world of motion! The view is always changing but we are still limited by the fact that the things we have seen in the past will always be the same.
It's easy to become attached to those with a brilliant view. But if you can broaden your perception you realize that it's always a view of the same thing. |
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| a few memorable parties |
[Jan. 13th, 2011|10:39 pm] |
Vancouver - Our Community Bikes Halloween/All Saints
This has been the default halloween choice over the years. Good costumes and the kind of crowd that includes people easy to fall in love with.
Vancouver - The Work Less Party Party
Vancouver is cold, dark and miserable but at a work less party party you can find evidence of people that are alive who smile and have fun.
Vancouver - The Orange Party
Everything was Orange. And still is. Everything is going to continue to be orange forever...
Zig Zag Railway, Australia - El Stompo Grande
Mexican themed bush doof complete with a funky cactus on the dance floor and free mexican food. As far as dance parties go, I challenge anyone to do better. There are many amazing friends to be made amongst the Sydney area doof crew.
Berlin - The Fuck Parade
Beer bottles getting thrown at riot cops dressed in military green soundtracked by really evil techno. Beer shoplifted and then thrown at police. Berlin!
Serbia - Gucca
An eye opener.
Northcote, Australia - Friday the 13th Wizards Vs Barbarians
To be honest the crazy afghan guy pretty much made the party, along with tim being a legend and rounding up the rag tag team of new friends left in the aftermath for morning beers and bongs in the backyard of a house that he didn't even live at anymore.
Bonnie Doon, Australia - PROD/Sub Bass doof
I had a better time at the one that was freezing vs the one that was wet. Possibly because the Freezing one I went up relatively unprepaired for one night of dance or die as the wet one I rocked out for the long haul in low gear survival mode.
Australia - Confest
Mud, Nudity, Sex, Shamans, Astral Travelers, Teenagers, Fire, Water, Dust, Physicists, Nutritionists, Pixies, Pirates, Faeries, Elves, Drummers, Julie from Geelong...
Australia - Rhythmic Earth
I stayed up all night talking till I lost my voice. At the time I could not comprehend how anyone could like the dark psy the japanese dj was playing. Didn't spend much time on the dance floor at all, was too overwhelmed and amaazed by the number of beautiful people appearing in my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2010|01:55 am] |
I was already thinking about not going to the party in kew based on my last couple of interactions at noise gigs. I was expecting people wearing black standing around talking about music. i can appreciate experimental music but at a social level the crowd tends to be a bit shy and withdrawn. i had locked my bike up at lentils as anything earlier in the day, catching the train to work and subsequently getting busted for jumping the turnstile to make a transfer to a tram. i neglected to consider that the convent's gates get locked up after some point and so the option to bike to this party in kew was doused a second time.
my main problem with hollywood is their role in shaping reality. does art mimic life or does life mimic art? most tweens are going into highschool after being bombarded by tv and movies depicting an idea of what going through being a teenager and going through highschool is supposed to be like. by the time they get to highschool they already know exactly what to expect, and are eager to play out their own cliche coming of age teenage drama.
expectations are powerful. if you have ever realized that you are dreaming, you might notice that the unfolding of the rest of the dream happens exactly as you are expecting it to. if you gain the lucidity to actually travel and explore behind every door you open you'll find exactly what you expect and if your imagination fails you, you wake up. that's the way it works for me at least.
sometimes it feels like everyone is way too predictable.
it's starting to feel like one of the biggest things i have to deal with is other people's expectations. most people don't see you, they only see what they expect to see. |
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